Who I Am

For the last two years of my life, everything has been very structured. Simple and straightforward. I knew exactly what I wanted, exactly where I wanted to go, and everything just seemed to fall into place. I was happy, I was preparing, I was in love.

Not long ago, everything came crashing down around me. My plans, so carefully made, exploded in a burst of bright orange pain like the climax of a horrible symphony. I wasn't prepared for that, and adapting to change takes a lot of time and energy for me. Suddenly I was alone.

For the next month, I burned. I avoided getting into a new relationship because rebounding would only have amplified the screaming in my head. I sat in my room and stared at the wall for hours at a time, feeling the pain eat away at me, relishing that pain for a while because it was at least a relief from numbness. I would rather feel pain than nothing at all.

Old memories, sweet ones, became acidic. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to go on for a while.

Slowly, the pain faded, but the fire remained. I didn't understand the change; didn't understand why or how, and so I continued my slow dance with a destroying angel in my mind and heart, constantly tearing myself down, then building up my self-esteem only to destroy it all again within hours. Alternating between anger and depression, each feeding the other, I disassembled my life brick by brick.

All of this forced me to examine myself. At the center, I found a seed of light: I recognized that my life wasn't over. I could build anew, I could find hope. And so the fire consuming me disappeared, not destroyed but converted into belief. And like a phoenix from the ashes, I was reborn emotionally.

I am once again a child now, reaching out to touch the world around me, everything new and brilliant. Love is real and attainable, and I have no doubt that I will find it again, though I don't yet know when it will come or who I will share it with when it does.

And I came to understand that when you believe, the world can be yours.

But with this new heartshine comes the question... Who am I really? And am I who I should be?

Over the last two years, my life became increasingly isolated as it became focused. I channeled all my energies into that relationship and in the process cut myself off from the world somewhat. I lost contact with old friends, stopped going out of the house almost entirely unless I was going to see her. My entire life was mostly dedicated to my relationship. That was good, and it resulted in a strong, healthy relationship, vibrant almost to the moment of its death.

But when it died, it left me alone. Never completely alone; I have close friends who are more than brothers to me, but I was closer to being an island than Donne would likely tell you is possible.

But I'm opening up again like a bloom to the dawn.

So who am I now? A poet and musician, always. A man secure with his own image of himself and unafraid to lay bare his soul, without doubt. A man who has a personal relationship with God, no matter how unconventional or wrong some of my decisions may be, certainly. But beyond those.

I am a man who is essentially useless without a woman in my life. And I'm seeking and probing and always trying, and I'm optimistic that I'll find a star to sail by. It's just a matter of time, but I fear the interval. It takes an unusual woman to love me, because I'm passionate and intense and unconventional and probably difficult for many to understand. I don't claim to be on a higher intellectual plane than anyone else, but I am highly opinionated, naturally verbose, and probably more than a little insane. In my relationships, I am only happy if equality is maintained. I do like to have at least a modicum of authority, but I would not be happy in a relationship with any woman who would not be willing to stand up to me or disagree with me or generally have a mind of her own. I've had girls interested in me in the past that were like pitiful little sheep, changing their opinions to match mine in an attempt to impress me. I am not attracted to weakness and I'm not the type to enjoy dominating my partner.

However, as a man, I love the feeling of being adored. It's a fact of life; men like being 'worshipped'. Our egos are shockingly delicate things, and a wise woman is always sure to make sure that her man feels like a man. Also, like all men, I appreciate physical beauty and want a beautiful partner.

So I suppose it could be said that my standards are very high, and this combined with my emotional need for companionship makes my life a bit difficult. It takes a very impressive woman to get me interested, and then I have the issue of piquing her interest as well.

You see my dilemma: First I have to find a beautiful, patient, intelligent, independent woman who is as intense in love and relationships as I am and willing to accept not only our differences but my faults and quirks, and then I have to be charming as hell. :) Not such an easy task. And yet, the most important task in my life. The most pressing to me as well.

Beyond matters of the heart, I am the sort of guy who loves to perform and spend time on stage in front of people and entertain them, but I also like to spend time with just some friends or just be at home. I'm socially extroverted but I also love the simple comfort of just being home, doing the things that relax me, whether it be reading a book or watching a movie or tv or just playing my guitar and doing my creative work.

I dream of making my creative work the mission of my life. My writing, my acting and amateur film work, my music. I have this ache deep inside of me to be someone, to make a difference, to be remembered, to be respected. It's not fame I'm looking for. It's recognition. I want to be the next Shakespeare, the next Mozart, the next Beatles, the next Spielberg or Kurosawa or Hitchcock. I want to be a pioneer of my fields, someone who leaves a mark and is remembered long beyond my own lifetime because he changed the face of his art. I want to be truly avant-garde. You can call that what you want; some people think it's arrogance. I don't want to be remembered for remembrance's sake though. I want to be remembered for my work.

I try to avoid political discussions for the most part because of my unconventional views as a libertarian and because I think that all political debate does is divide, separate, puts us all in boxes when we should embrace our differences. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and their own beliefs; I believe they should be entitled to their own rights and lifestyles as well. Equality can't be achieved unless we work at it, and the world will never be at peace until we're all truly equal and accepting. That's a future I doubt will be seen in my lifetime, because there are too many people set in beliefs that discriminate or disdain and too many children inheriting those beliefs. But I'll fight for it anyway, because everyone deserves that. It all comes back to love. Love holds us together. Love raises us up. The Beatles were right: Love is truly all you need. I'm not a rasta, but there's no truth so pure as this: One Love.

You can call that naive, and it is in a way, but if everyone on earth were so naive, you can bet it would be a happier place. If I never got my chance to make a difference with my art, I would still feel fulfilled if I could help show even one person that One Love is the path to peace. Because One Love spreads. It's like a wildfire, and the more people whose lives are touched by that understanding, the better this world will become. I can change the world. You can change the world. Anyone can.

Who am I? I'm a unique man, complex in my beliefs, tastes, needs, desires, emotions, and interests. I'm a man seeking love, that most important aspect of our journey on this little rock of ours. I'm an artist seeking a muse and seeking a place in history. I'm a soldier fighting the war for equality and peace. I'm a dreamer. I'm a seeker. I'm an idealist.

I'm a believer.

I'm David Aaron Huff. This is my world. Let me show you around sometime.

Everything is broken...

Today, I'm alone.

My girlfriend of two years who was also my fiance broke up with me today... I have little doubt in my mind that it's temporary, but that doesn't make it any more pleasant. I was the only real relationship she'd ever had, and I think she wants to go through a couple other boyfriends to be certain that I'm the right one.

I believe she'll be back, but in the meantime, the waiting and the loneliness are going to really suck. I don't really want to get into too much personal stuff on this blog, but this...

Even with my personal conviction that she'll be coming back to me in time, this feels like a stab through the heart with a white-hot knife. I want it all to be just a nightmare. But at the same time, I think she really needs this.

I'll let her have her space and her time, and I'll be waiting with open arms when she comes back. In the meantime, I'm trying to decide if I should date other people as well, whether it's for my sake or even just to make the idea of losing me a reality for her... In truth, I'm so certain of her that even the concept of dating other people seems silly, especially given how much I trust and hope that this isn't really over.

Maybe I'm making this harder on myself. Maybe I just can't accept reality. Or maybe she really does need a little time and then she'll be home. I choose to believe and trust in that third possibility.

Love conquers all, you know.

(Late) Idol and SYTYCD Rants

I know I completely trailed off almost as soon as I started writing for Idol this year, and haven't blogged in months, but work has calmed down now (read that "I've become unemployed at present") and I should be able to start really paying attention and writing again now.

Now that SYTYCD is through with a stellar 4th season, I'd like to take a moment to comment on American Idol. My early affection for David Archuleta began to fade the longer I watched. His voice, pleasant at first, soon became dull, and his utter lack of dimension started to grate on me. By the end of the competition, I found that I hated him, his flat, boring performances, and his father.

At the same time, David Cook just got better and better and became (in my mind) the first time the right person has ever won on American Idol. This was bolstered when I managed to get my hands on Analog Heart, Cook's 2006 solo album. All I can say is that you really need to buy this album. On first listen, it seemed only very good, but knowing that first impressions are NEVER correct, I listened again.

Damn. Brilliant. Just brilliant. (Trivia for the Wikipedia-impaired - David Cook is planning to release his 'debut' album in November, songs to be written by Cook himself, Ed Roland of the great Collective Soul, the singer from Our Lady Peace, Ryan Tedder of the excellent OneRepublic, and blooming songwriting talent Jesse McCartney, whose prior career I refuse to acknowledge)

But enough Idol. About this year's So You Think You Can Dance.

The top two, Joshua and Twitch, had been my favorites from the beginning. I was happy to see the two of them as the first street dancers to ever make the top four. I thought Joshua was very deserving, though Twitch was my favorite.

What irks me is the illogical decision to give the highest ranking dancer of the opposite gender of the winner $50,000. There's nothing wrong with runner-up prizes, and I don't hate Katie, but she placed 3rd. Twitch placed 2nd. By all accounts, Twitch deserved a runner-up prize as well. Katie was a lovely girl and a wonderful dancer, but the prize seemed a bit contrived and a little unfair.

However, I'm happy to say that this competition opened doors for its contestants, as many of them are planning on moving to LA after the tour this year for work. Twitch doesn't have to join the Navy anymore!

I discovered at season's end that I'm hopelessly addicted to the SYTYCD formula, and so have begun torrenting SYTYCD Australia. Also, when SYTYCD Canada (thank heaven they didn't try to be clever and call it "So You Think You Canadance") starts on September 24th, I plan to cover it here each week. (Really this time. Honest.)

So, until next time, keep your stick on the ice. (No, I'm not Canadian. I'm just getting myself ready.)

American Idol 2/19/2008: Performance Notes

Hello everyone, and welcome to the real competition. Season 7 of American Idol is finally underway, and it's looking like we're going to have a great season. Tonight was the guys' first night, and it was also, in what I hope is not foreshadowing, a theme night.

But, it was an acceptable theme: 60's. I love the music of the 60's, and it's not a stupid or limiting theme, like last year's Gwen Stefani fiasco.

The night started off with a respectable rendition of Wilson Pickett's In The Midnight Hour by David Hernandez, the first of three contestants this year named David, but also the least memorable. The vocals were good, but the performance was statuesque. There was no movement or excitement or... performance. Even Hernandez's facial features were locked through the whole song. This may have been nothing more than stage fright, since he was the first to take the stage this year, and that's a pretty daunting prospect.

The judges seemed to enjoy it, but they seemed a little glazed over. Paula was glazed as a donut, mumbling her usual incoherent praises. Paula's always glazed, though. I think she may have an IV drip of tequila hidden under the judges' desk.

The performance was safe: Good enough to keep him in the competition, but not good enough to win him any real fans yet.

Next up was Chikezie Eze, who walked out onto the stage wearing a hideous orange insult to the word suit and a smile as he belted out a very cheesy rendition of More Today Than Yesterday by The Spiral Starecase. The whole thing was all just very bizarre. It DID feel like it was right out of the sixties, between the bad suit and the corny performance, but that hurt more than helped. The vocals were amateurish, which was a surprise to me. I had expected much more of Chikezie from his auditions. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great, either.

There wasn't even any attempt at bringing the song into the year 2008. The judges noted this, and it was to be the template for one third of the contestants of the night.

The next to take the stage was rocker David Cook. As a rocker myself, I want to see representation this year, and Cook has talent, although I don't think he's winner material yet. I had pretty high expectations for him, and when he opened his mouth and out came the strains of the Turtles' 1967 hit Happy Together, I was worried for a moment. It was an odd choice, but after a verse, he'd convinced me. It was definitely an original take on the piece. He made the song his own, and he has a good voice.

After that, we got the first truly bad number of the night. Jason Yeager seemed bland from the beginning, and he came out and gave a flavorless performance of Mercer and Mancini's classic Moon River. This song was written for Audrey Hepburn's range, which is why it's strange that it was too low for a man. Yeager's voice became hard to understand on the low notes, and in the higher registers became thin and pitchy. It suffered from a lack of personality, and his vain attempts to inject drama didn't work. Simon described it as 'cruise-ship'. I agree; it wasn't even cabaret, it was talent-show. Yeager and his song were dry and aged.

He also beat the audience over the head with the idea of his son, because sentiment sells on Idol. He was probably hoping to win the votes of the weepy mom demographic, but he just came off sounding a bit artificial.

Former boy-bandit Robbie Carrico was up next. He sang a decent cover of Three Dog Night's 1969 classic One. He used the stage effectively, and performed well. I don't really care for his nasal voice very much, and I think he's honestly a bit of a poser. He wants so badly to be a rocker, but he just won't ever be rock and roll. Having toured with Britney Spears loses him points, and his seeming inability to shift gears from pop may disqualify him. He just doesn't have a rock voice. He doesn't have the edge that any good rocker needs.

Carrico was followed by 17-year-old David Archuleta, singing Shop Around, originally by Smokey Robinson during his time with The Miracles. David has an excellent singing voice, and he seems to be a natural performer. He was able to make the song feel modern, and though he stuttered ever so slightly on the run that ended the song, I think he shows great promise, and I wouldn't be surprised to see him in the top ten.

Next in line was the immediately annoying Danny Noriega, who sang Jailhouse Rock. He apparently got away with this on an Elvis technicality, since Jailhouse Rock is actually a 1957 song. He has a good voice, and moderate stage presence. He clearly annoyed Simon, which is why the misanthropes over at Vote For The Worst have adopted him as their official Worst. They're wrong; the real worst came next, but we'll get to that in a minute.

Here, we had more proof that Paula makes no sense. She kept talking about the color of Danny's performance. I wonder what color the sky is in Paulaworld.

Luke Menard is apparently a clone of Orlando Bloom. He was completely unintelligible. I don't know what song he was singing. I do know that whatever he was singing, he was singing not quite a half step above the band the whole time, he had a weak voice, a bad falsetto, and awful microphone technique, and the whole thing was old-fashioned and forgettable. It was bad, but not even bad enough to be remembered in a few days, and that's what will kill him.

Colton Berry's take on Suspicious Minds wasn't nearly as bad as whatever it was that Luke Menard slaughtered before him, but it was still pretty bad, and kind of weird. He has a good voice, but it belonged in a karaoke bar, and it was mildly embarrassing to watch the poor, very white child trying in vain to boogie while he sang. However, it had enough redeeming value that I want to see him try at least one more song before deciding whether he deserves to continue or not.

Garrett Haley seems like a pleasant kid, and he may have a good voice hiding under all the nerves and stage fright. As it was, his first performance was a bit small and nasal, and not very memorable. Before he performed, we saw a bit of wit and humor from him, but he buckled under the pressure of maybe 30,000,000 people watching him. I think we should keep him around another week to see what he can do once he warms up to that stage.

The next contestant was probably the most interesting of the night. Jason Castro was, if I remember correctly, almost entirely ignored during the televised audition rounds, which is a shame, because he was one of the strongest performers of the night. He's the first contestant to use an instrument in the competition rounds, and he used it well. He played The Lovin' Spoonful's Daydream, and played it well. He was very comfortable on stage and with his song, and between his ease and his excellent voice, he impressed the audience (no great feat, since the studio audience would probably cheer for particularly shiny objects) and the judges. His vocals got just a little bit shaky towards the end of the song, but he pulled it off. I definitely want to see him go far in this competition.

The final contestant, Michael Johns, was the one I expected most from, a talented rocker from Australia who bowled me over in the Hollywood rounds by not slaughtering Bohemian Rhapsody. He sang The Doors' classic Light My Fire. It was very good, and Johns' vocals were excellent. He slipped a bit, losing his control on one or two notes, and got a bit pitchy on his final note, but it was overall a very impressive performance.

Tomorrow night is the girls' first night, and it remains to be seen whether they will share the 60's theme or have a different challenge to face. I'll be here, giving you my point of view.

BEST OF THE NIGHT:

JASON CASTRO and DAVID ARCHULETA

WORST OF THE NIGHT:

LUKE MENARD and JASON YEAGER

Music Review: Mêlée - Devils & Angels

Mêlée's sophomore album is the first of theirs I've heard, and they've got a very unique sound in comparison to your average punk band. I don't think one could really call them punk- They have liberal sprinklings of punk, pop, alternative rock, and a decidedly 80's flavor.

The best way I can think to describe them to someone who hasn't heard them yet is to imagine putting the All-American Rejects in a blender with Queen, and perhaps a dash of Coldplay. They have the pop-punk sensibilities of the Rejects, and the theatrical presentation and melodic structuring of Queen. Lead singer Chris Cron instantly reminded me of Freddie Mercury, and his piano underlines almost every track present on the album, with Ricky Sans' lead guitar alternately crunching, strumming and piercing along. This duo is almost mesmerizing, and it's easy to forget that Ryan Malloy and Mike Nader are back there, providing the rhythm on bass and drums respectively.

There wasn't a single track on the album that I didn't like, from the the mid-tempo ballad Built To Last to the soulful and punchy Hall and Oates cover that closes the album, You Make My Dreams. Every song seems to exude infectious joy and optimism in a striking counterpoint to much of modern alt rock or punk. No two tracks are quite alike, thanks to diverse styles and vibes, but the album still somehow flows, feels like a continuous work.

The opener, Built To Last, is a warm, simple depiction of love and commitment that feels more sincere than most love songs without feeling clichéd, starting out with a mildly distorted piano riff before expanding into a wall of sound that would make Phil Spector proud, and which doesn't thin out for the rest of the record. This track is almost nostalgic, and it has a way of drawing the listener in.

The second song, Rhythm Of Rain, is a yearning, gentle rocker, if there is such a thing, starting off with some strummed chords and a pair of bass notes that launch a lead guitar intro to Chris Cron's beautiful voice (reminiscent of a more rock and roll version of Josh Groban) longing for a past he can't go back to. The underlying acoustic strumming and three-part vocal harmonies from Ricky Sans and Ryan Malloy really add a lot here.

Track 3 is a rollicking piano-rocker channeling Jerry Lee Lewis called Frequently Baby (She's A Teenage Maniac). Although Cron's piano is the backbone of this number, and his vocals the centerpiece, Sans gets plenty of time to shine: His raunchy electric rhythm breathes life into the song, and his solo, though far from a technical wonder, feels like a part of the song rather than just being tacked on as an ego stroke, as so many other guitarists' solos tend to. There's no doubt in my mind that this piece would be an instant radio hit if Mêlée had the sort of exposure they should. It's full to the brim with attitude.

For A Lifetime's upbeat feel masks a set of surprisingly world-weary lyrics that still manage to maintain the positivism of the album. The instruments blend nicely and highlight Cron's voice well, but the track, while good, is one of the low points of the album. This, however, is an exceptional album, and this one song is probably better than Green Day's entire discography. Mêlée at their worst are still one of the best bands there is right now.

Drive Away is a bit of a change of pace. Slightly louder than the previous track, but much more melodic and lyrically clever. The first verse goes "I bet you want to know who's coming/Coming to the party tonight/My friends are drinking satisfaction/I've been mixing tonic and spite." The bright but brooding tone of the song is perfectly played, and this may be one of the best songs on an album full of great songs. Chris Cron's voice on this song was fantastic.

The next song is a optimistic, theatrical number about acceptance called Can't Hold On. It starts out feeling gentle, but builds up to an epic bridge and one final, exhilarating chorus. Cron's voice is again in great form, and the instrumental side holds up very well as well.

After all the varying styles Mêlée has dabbled with on the first six tracks, Imitation's eclectic 80's synthpop sound shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. It's an excellent song, but it's very different, and the verses' melody seems disparate from the chorus that it would have seemed almost schizophrenic in anyone's hands but Cron and Sans'. The piano rhythm that drives the song sounds electronic, and is accompanied by a lead guitar riff with a not-quite-snarling effect. The overall effect is only describable in one way: Take the above cocktail of All-American Rejects, Queen, and Coldplay, and mix in some Depeche Mode.

Love Carries On is an excellently crafted song, but not a particularly memorable one. Nothing stands out here. For such an exceptional band, it's surprisingly forgettable, if only in comparison to the rest of the album.

She's Gonna Find Me Here is a ballad that feels like it could have been written by the late Freddie Mercury and performed by Queen. In fact, Sans' solo utilizes an effect that sounds a LOT like Brian May. Cron's lyrics extol the girl he knows will eventually come into his life, and are sincere, if they do sometimes share Mercury's sense of the theatrical, which will appeal to some and annoy others. I thought it was brilliant, and a tribute to Queen, whether intentional or not.

After the sweetness of the last song, it's an interesting change of pace to come to the cheerfully regretful Biggest Mistake, which feels just as 80's as Imitation, only more like something Rick Springfield might have written with Bon Jovi. This track is playful, smart, clever, and catchy. It doesn't have a lot of depth, but that actually makes it better, because it's not the sort of song that should have much below the surface.

The 80's vibe continues with You Got. This song could have been a collaboration between Billy Joel and Survivor or Foreigner, or both. It opens with a pulsing piano that is soon punctuated by a crunching, compelling guitar riff. The song feels intense, and makes good use of percussion. This is probably the only track that I really noticed Mike Nader's presence beyond just realizing that there were beats.

Stand Up is essentially a self-motivational pep speech. That doesn't sound very interesting, but it really is a very strong song. It's really at it's best in the bridge, when Cron and Sans both get to show off a bit.

The final track on the album is a cover of the Hall and Oates classic You Make My Dreams. Ryan Malloy's bass is actually quite effective here, and Cron's voice is well suited to the song. It may seem an unusual song for a pop punk/alt rock band to cover, but it translates very well, surprisingly. It may be one of the best songs on the album.

I still haven't gotten my hands on Mêlée's first album, Everyday Behavior, but after listening to Devils & Angels, I can say that this is a band with a bright future, and one that definitely has a style all their own.

RATING: ♠♠♠♠♠ (5 Aces - Buy This Album NOW)

American Idol 7 almost here

To establish something right away: I am not particularly under the illusion that American Idol is fair, or even always about talent. I know and accept that the show is probably biased and produced to the very hilt.

But I still enjoy it. It's entertaining. The high level of production adds to it, in my opinion. Yes, they pass on some great talent, and yes, they put through such train wrecks as Sanjaya Malakar. Love him or hate him, he understood perfectly well that he was there as a sort of court jester.

So I'm not delusional enough to think that AI is balanced, but I'm not bothered by that. I still manage to love the show somehow. Maybe I'm just not enough of a TV snob, which, by the way, is possibly the worst medium you can be an elitist about.

With that preface, you have no idea how much I'm looking forward to the premiere tomorrow night. Even if it's just the auditions, I am completely ready for the show to be back on the air. I've missed being able to over-analyze weekly performances and obsess unhealthily over contestants. I seem to learn the first names of all the contestants, and yet I remember the last names of about five from all of last season.

I'm also excited for some of the changes that are being put into effect this season. Most important is probably that they're lightening up on mentors. I think the mentors are good to a point, and helped widen the style spectrum a bit, but they were definitely overused last season. Diana Ross or Tony Bennett are one thing, but the Gwen Stefani? What the hell was that? We need to focus more on our contestants and less on celebrities.

Next on my list is the allowance for instruments this season. Sure, Taylor Hicks got around that with his harmonica, but I'm talking about real instruments. At first it was just during the audition rounds, and now the Hollywood cuts, and Nigel Lythgoe still isn't sure if they're going to continue this on into the actual competition. I, for one, hope they do.

Once we get to the competition rounds, for every episode, I will be posting my thoughts, criticisms, and ramblings. And for every episode, I will post who I think needs to be going home and who most deserves to stay. And then, after every results show, I will post my reactions to what actually happened.

In other old news you've already heard, but haven't yet had the privilege of hearing from ME, Simon Cowell, the acerbic British judge infamous for actually telling the contestants the truth, something highly controversial here in the States, has stated that he only plans to judge two or three more seasons of Idol before turning his seat over to someone else. He said that by then, America would be too sick of him to bear watching him judge any more. Personally, he's my favorite judge. This is in direct contradiction to what he said earlier last year, that he would "rather drop dead than retire." But, for the purpose of sheer speculation, let's think about who might become his replacement on the show:

SIMON REPLACEMENT CANDIDATES

1. NIGEL LYTHGOE

Another Brit (in)famous for being tough on contestants on other shows he's judged, Lythgoe is a very likely possibility, because he's the producer of American Idol, and he is a quite popular judge on Idol's little sister, So You Think You Can Dance. He shares Simon's perfectionism and honesty, as well as a bit of his crankiness, although not to the same extent.

I would not be surprised at all to see Nigel Lythgoe take Simon's place when the acidic Englishman steps down.

2. PIERS MORGAN

This one's a bit less likely, as Morgan is neither as popular nor as accessible as Lythgoe. In fact, unlike either Simon or Nigel, Piers seems to be a genuinely unpleasant human being. He's listed here because he's mean, English, and associated with Simon already on the Cowell-produced Britain's Got Talent and America's Got Talent.

It is possible that Piers Morgan could replace Simon. But if America thinks Simon is unpleasant, they'd be in for a shock.

3. DONALD TRUMP

Oddly enough, The Donald is SIMON'S choice. I can't really seem to find any justification for that idea, other than the fact that Simon likes him and he's done the whole judging kind of thing on The Apprentice. He doesn't know music. I don't really think he'd be a good replacement. In fact, the only replacement I can think of that would be worse is Rosie O'Donnell.

Also, I think that puffy hair might distract me.

And last but not least...

4. 'WEIRD AL' YANKOVIC

Go ahead and laugh for a minute, but then think about it. He's funny and has personality and great stage presence, AND he has a real background in music. He understands it. I honestly think he'd be one of the best replacements you could find for Simon. I'm being serious. Weird Al is a musician and a comedian. He'd be able to judge effectively and keep the show entertaining.

Well, I believe I've bloated this post more than enough. I probably should have put the Simon replacements in their own post, but this will do. Hope to see you again, lurkers, loiterers, and denizens of the internet.