For the last two years of my life, everything has been very structured. Simple and straightforward. I knew exactly what I wanted, exactly where I wanted to go, and everything just seemed to fall into place. I was happy, I was preparing, I was in love.
Not long ago, everything came crashing down around me. My plans, so carefully made, exploded in a burst of bright orange pain like the climax of a horrible symphony. I wasn't prepared for that, and adapting to change takes a lot of time and energy for me. Suddenly I was alone.
For the next month, I burned. I avoided getting into a new relationship because rebounding would only have amplified the screaming in my head. I sat in my room and stared at the wall for hours at a time, feeling the pain eat away at me, relishing that pain for a while because it was at least a relief from numbness. I would rather feel pain than nothing at all.
Old memories, sweet ones, became acidic. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to go on for a while.
Slowly, the pain faded, but the fire remained. I didn't understand the change; didn't understand why or how, and so I continued my slow dance with a destroying angel in my mind and heart, constantly tearing myself down, then building up my self-esteem only to destroy it all again within hours. Alternating between anger and depression, each feeding the other, I disassembled my life brick by brick.
All of this forced me to examine myself. At the center, I found a seed of light: I recognized that my life wasn't over. I could build anew, I could find hope. And so the fire consuming me disappeared, not destroyed but converted into belief. And like a phoenix from the ashes, I was reborn emotionally.
I am once again a child now, reaching out to touch the world around me, everything new and brilliant. Love is real and attainable, and I have no doubt that I will find it again, though I don't yet know when it will come or who I will share it with when it does.
And I came to understand that when you believe, the world can be yours.
But with this new heartshine comes the question... Who am I really? And am I who I should be?
Over the last two years, my life became increasingly isolated as it became focused. I channeled all my energies into that relationship and in the process cut myself off from the world somewhat. I lost contact with old friends, stopped going out of the house almost entirely unless I was going to see her. My entire life was mostly dedicated to my relationship. That was good, and it resulted in a strong, healthy relationship, vibrant almost to the moment of its death.
But when it died, it left me alone. Never completely alone; I have close friends who are more than brothers to me, but I was closer to being an island than Donne would likely tell you is possible.
But I'm opening up again like a bloom to the dawn.
So who am I now? A poet and musician, always. A man secure with his own image of himself and unafraid to lay bare his soul, without doubt. A man who has a personal relationship with God, no matter how unconventional or wrong some of my decisions may be, certainly. But beyond those.
I am a man who is essentially useless without a woman in my life. And I'm seeking and probing and always trying, and I'm optimistic that I'll find a star to sail by. It's just a matter of time, but I fear the interval. It takes an unusual woman to love me, because I'm passionate and intense and unconventional and probably difficult for many to understand. I don't claim to be on a higher intellectual plane than anyone else, but I am highly opinionated, naturally verbose, and probably more than a little insane. In my relationships, I am only happy if equality is maintained. I do like to have at least a modicum of authority, but I would not be happy in a relationship with any woman who would not be willing to stand up to me or disagree with me or generally have a mind of her own. I've had girls interested in me in the past that were like pitiful little sheep, changing their opinions to match mine in an attempt to impress me. I am not attracted to weakness and I'm not the type to enjoy dominating my partner.
However, as a man, I love the feeling of being adored. It's a fact of life; men like being 'worshipped'. Our egos are shockingly delicate things, and a wise woman is always sure to make sure that her man feels like a man. Also, like all men, I appreciate physical beauty and want a beautiful partner.
So I suppose it could be said that my standards are very high, and this combined with my emotional need for companionship makes my life a bit difficult. It takes a very impressive woman to get me interested, and then I have the issue of piquing her interest as well.
You see my dilemma: First I have to find a beautiful, patient, intelligent, independent woman who is as intense in love and relationships as I am and willing to accept not only our differences but my faults and quirks, and then I have to be charming as hell. :) Not such an easy task. And yet, the most important task in my life. The most pressing to me as well.
Beyond matters of the heart, I am the sort of guy who loves to perform and spend time on stage in front of people and entertain them, but I also like to spend time with just some friends or just be at home. I'm socially extroverted but I also love the simple comfort of just being home, doing the things that relax me, whether it be reading a book or watching a movie or tv or just playing my guitar and doing my creative work.
I dream of making my creative work the mission of my life. My writing, my acting and amateur film work, my music. I have this ache deep inside of me to be someone, to make a difference, to be remembered, to be respected. It's not fame I'm looking for. It's recognition. I want to be the next Shakespeare, the next Mozart, the next Beatles, the next Spielberg or Kurosawa or Hitchcock. I want to be a pioneer of my fields, someone who leaves a mark and is remembered long beyond my own lifetime because he changed the face of his art. I want to be truly avant-garde. You can call that what you want; some people think it's arrogance. I don't want to be remembered for remembrance's sake though. I want to be remembered for my work.
I try to avoid political discussions for the most part because of my unconventional views as a libertarian and because I think that all political debate does is divide, separate, puts us all in boxes when we should embrace our differences. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and their own beliefs; I believe they should be entitled to their own rights and lifestyles as well. Equality can't be achieved unless we work at it, and the world will never be at peace until we're all truly equal and accepting. That's a future I doubt will be seen in my lifetime, because there are too many people set in beliefs that discriminate or disdain and too many children inheriting those beliefs. But I'll fight for it anyway, because everyone deserves that. It all comes back to love. Love holds us together. Love raises us up. The Beatles were right: Love is truly all you need. I'm not a rasta, but there's no truth so pure as this: One Love.
You can call that naive, and it is in a way, but if everyone on earth were so naive, you can bet it would be a happier place. If I never got my chance to make a difference with my art, I would still feel fulfilled if I could help show even one person that One Love is the path to peace. Because One Love spreads. It's like a wildfire, and the more people whose lives are touched by that understanding, the better this world will become. I can change the world. You can change the world. Anyone can.
Who am I? I'm a unique man, complex in my beliefs, tastes, needs, desires, emotions, and interests. I'm a man seeking love, that most important aspect of our journey on this little rock of ours. I'm an artist seeking a muse and seeking a place in history. I'm a soldier fighting the war for equality and peace. I'm a dreamer. I'm a seeker. I'm an idealist.
I'm a believer.
I'm David Aaron Huff. This is my world. Let me show you around sometime.
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